Restored Four Cylinder Henderson Motorcycle (via Knucklebuster)
The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
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Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
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Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
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Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
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Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
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Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
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Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
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Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
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Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
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Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
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Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
Q: How realistic are movies that show people breaking into vaults? A: Not very! In the movies it takes five minutes of razzle-dazzle; in real life it’s usually at least a couple of hours of precision work for an easy, lost combination lockout.
Most vault lockouts are caused by malfunctions. A bank employee over-winds the time lock, a technician makes a mistake servicing the vault, or there was no maintenance because the bank has initiated yet another round of cost cutting.
Another 10-20% of my income comes from law enforcement searches and seizures or estate, aka “dead relative” openings. They hire me and I drill it open, but these are not situations where I like to hang around too long.
Q: Do you ever look inside? A: I NEVER look. It’s none of my business. Involving yourself in people’s private affairs can lead to being subpoenaed in a lawsuit or criminal trial. Besides, I’d prefer not knowing about a client’s drug stash, personal porn, or belly button lint collection.
When I’m done I gather my tools and walk to the truck to write my invoice. Sometimes I’m out of the room before they open it. I don’t want to be nearby if there is a booby trap.
South American Leaf Fish (Monocirrhus polyacanthus)
An incredibly-adapted species, this fish is camouflaged to mimic a dead leaf, both in body shape and pattern. It can change colour to match its surroundings and has a projection from its bottom lip that resembles a leaf stalk. When hunting, it stalks its prey in a head-down stance, appearing to drift towards it like a dead leaf drifting in a current. When it strikes at an item of prey the entire mouth protrudes outwards, forming a large tube into which the prey is sucked, usually head first. This happens so quickly it is often difficult to see. It can swallow prey almost as big as itself in this way.
Image source
German chronobiologist Till Roenneberg advances some speculative but plausible evolutionary explanations for the existence of night owls. Across cultures, early birds get all the credit for hard work—catching worms, etc.—but according to Roenneberg, the real bacon was likely brought home by night owls. Some of our natural prey is nocturnal, and some of it’s just easier to catch after dark. One reason warm-bloodedness was such a triumph of mammalian evolution is that the ability to regulate our body temperature meant we could function at night, when the air gets cooler—and our cold-blooded predators, competitors, and prey get sluggish. Night-owlishness was a further adaptation, a chance mutation that proved useful for feeding the tribe. I sometimes think about this when I find myself staring into the fridge at 2 a.m.
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| — | Writing in the Dark (via brooklynmutt) |
Someone tell me what to do.
I have a friend who I’m really worried about and I don’t know anyone in RL I can’t talk to about this who doesn’t know her. She is chronically depressed, and hasn’t been going to classes all semester. It’s finals week now, and she is going to fail a lot of her classes. She hasn’t told her mother about this yet. She’s really stressing about how to tell her mom.
She didn’t come out her room at all today, and I don’t think she ate anything even though I offered to bring her food. She always does this when she is having a really bad day— she won’t talk to anyone or do anything. It uses up too much of her spoons. But I think it makes her depression worse at the same time. I want to make her leave her room and spend time with the people who love her. I wish she would at least let me come and talk to her. But I feel like even texting and telling her I’m worried about her pushes her further away. I just want her to talk to somebody.
I texted her about three hours ago and she said she was talking to somebody. So that’s good. I tried to get her to promise she wouldn’t do anything to herself tonight, and she said “I guess.”
If she goes home and doesn’t come back at the end of this semester, I don’t know what will happen to her. She hasn’t come out to her and Dad and brother yet. Living in the closet won’t help her, that’s for sure. I don’t know anything about her relationship to her mom. But maybe having someone around who has the right/ability to force her out out bed and make her take her depression meds will make things better. And she won’t have the stress of schoolwork.
What the fuck can I do to help her? I feel like I can’t do anything. I feel like trying to help her makes it worse. But she needs help. And sitting here staring at my phone hoping she not a building away cutting herself or crying is hard. I know this isn’t about me but jesus. Fuck.
